Wednesday, 21 August 2013

The Scottish Bigot's Guide to Ulster/Ireland

The Nightmare Vision!

Having spent over a decade in Scotland, your humble narrator is no longer shocked at the behavior of  90-minute-bigots across the North Channel.

For a bit of balance, one must say that it isn't all their fault,  they are in a minority (thankfully) and Paisley Road West and the Gallowgate areas of Glasgow are regularly awash with Northern Ireland's most bitter cretins who contaminate the natives with their own bigotry and bitterness.

Not known for their training in historical research, bitter cretins pass on fantastical accounts of exaggerated Irish history and on occasion one does hear 'history versions' that makes one weep.

So, in the interests of insulating wannabe-bigots of the Scottish Central Belt from erroneous versions of history, here are some nuggets that can be ignored as and when it pleaseth.

1/ The Red Hand

NOT Loyalist
Not all Red Hand badges are Loyalist badges.

It is an Irish symbol.

Which is why it was chosen by the Irish Unionists of Ulster.

Had most Unionists been concentrated in Connaught then we probably would be seeing very different Loyalist symbols.

A dear friend of your narrator is a life long Tyrone GAA fan.

Their nickname is the Red Hands.

Said friend nearly got a thrashing in Glasgow because an ignoramus mistook her for a Loyalist on account of her Red Hand emblazoned Tyrone shirt.

2/ Derry/Londonderry

It is NOT a hard and fast rule.

Your narrator is of Orange stock and most of his family would say Derry instead of Londonderry.
It only became an issue a few decades ago when some people wanted it to be an issue.

FYI: County Londonderry was NEVER called County Derry, its previous name was 'County Coleraine'. The argument can only be applied to the city.

3/ Ulster

Ulster is an Irish province.

It has 9 counties, not 6.

The borders and definitions have varied over the centuries but people generally agree on its borders.

Its a bit severe to lampoon everyone if they casually refer to the place as Ulster, for lazy generalisations are the norm in Northern Ireland and there are numerous associations that have it in their title.

But don't get all uppity about it and jump down people's throats if they correct you, you left yourself open with that one.

4/ The British Army

You can call the British Army an occupying force if you want (though you'll sound like you've been brain-washed) but please remember that a fair whack of the soldiers who served in Northern Ireland came from Scotland.

Many were murdered:

5/ The Battle of the Boyne

It was NOT a straight up Catholic vs Protestant fight. Seriously.

6/ The Potato Blight

Affected Scotland too. The Highlands and Islands were decimated for reasons similar to those of Ireland.

7/ Coming over for the 12th of July

Please stay away

Just stop it.

(Except for Blackskull FB, a tight outfit altogether)

Blackskull FB: Welcome
It's supposed to be about Protestantism. Not getting hammered and screaming at the fenians.

(We do a good enough job of that thank you very much)

Having said that...

8/ The Glasgow 12th

                                                                 Simply awful.

Brian John Spencer: The artist who sums it all up wonderfully.

Your narrator has been to a few over the years and has been scared witless every time and taken to be a 'Mickey bastard' on account of his soberness and unimpressed face. (Your narrator was hoping for an event more like the 12th's in Northern Ireland: Gospel tents, tea tents, each church with its own stall, toy stalls, ice cream trucks, burger vans etc etc. Not a massive drinking session!)

9/ Screaming at Folk Who 'Walk Between the Bands'




10/ Asking Someone Their Religion Upon Hearing Their Northern Irish Accent and Then Accosting Them For Having Different Views To Yourself About Something Of Which You Know Very Little  

That's just rude.

If you find yourself doing this then you may be a NED after all.

Just saying.

Refer to the NED checklist:

Do you:

Drink Buckfast?

Wear trainers and trackies?

Have a penchant for stabbing people?

Think of education as a waste of time?

If you answer 2 or more of the above points then you're probably a NED and are about to commit violence upon your computer or stolen smart phone...

"Answered 2 or more eh? Well chaps, I'm afraid I have some news for ye...


  1. Can you walk between the bands though AG?

    Mammy FC has recounted the story of her and Daddy FC rushing to Central Station (or was it GVS?) to get the last train to Dublin during the late 70s. She was stopped, wearing her kafkan coat by some burly, tall man in his bowler and sash and told in North Antrimese 'You may NEVER break the ranks of an Orange Parade'. Glad to hear its calmed down a bit nowadays...

  2. Hi FC

    Well, when you put it like that, one is forced to consider one's own experience of the parades.

    So, with that in mind I have to consider that fact, that (as usual) things might be different in Belfast.

    I used to go to parades all over the country as a teenager either to parade or to spectate and I don't recall it ever being an issue, though I've only been to the Belfast 12th once and 2/3 other parades and that's my Belfast CV unfortunately (or fortunately).

    At the 12th past in my home town, people were passing between the bands as and when it suited them.

    However, Belfast might be more in line with Glasgow than the rural areas (as with so many things).

    I'll post a request for info old boy, an interesting point that tests my ignorance, good man!


  3. Thanks AG,

    Not meant as a test at all. I just mind (what a North Armagh thing of me to say) Mammy FC telling me about OO parades. We had spent some of our formative years in the US and the South so when I came up North (apologies, not trying to be antagonistic at all) to Northern Ireland (there we go) I must have been about 8. A few things were completely alien to me; football (how ironic), it was a sport I had never seen and was terrible at (and I progressed to alright until I went along the GAA route) and the whole Northern Ireland thing in general.

    Growing up in North Armagh, one becomes accustomed to seeing OO parades as well as a whole host of others including all of the lovely arches, the decking out of towns, villages and the like and then of course the events themselves.

    I naively asked my Mum about these, and her being a lady from the Lower Falls who was a hippy back in the day who moved to Dublin when she hit 16 with my Dad starting uni at TCD (the thought of all of this nowadays blows my mind btw, just imagine it) and then off to the States thereafter, she was not too well predisposed to the OO and their parades. She recalled this event of her rushing from the Lower Falls down to what I'm certain was GVS and if she missed this train it meant she would not be in work at the BoI on Baggot St on time Monday morning. As I grew older what fascinated me was how she reconciled being something of a hippy with working for the BoI. Her answer was that while she took it easy, work was work and a bank job in the 70s was too big a gig to f up. Dad was at uni and they lived in dives while he was at TCD with his scholarship he got, meanwhile and somewhat ironically during the 70s, my mum was the breadwinner in our house before I was born and this lasted for 3 years!

    She would've been 30 when she told me this story and to be frank, it hasn't changed at all in the meantime.

    Like you said, Belfast is a bit different to other places.


  4. Maybe that's where the eejits in Glasgow get it from, our eejits whom deposit their sectarian filth in Glasgow every week.

    By the way, with regards to the 'North' or 'North of Ireland' I don't have a problem with it per se, my hissy fit on slugger (which I assume ye might have seen) was about the subtle "just accept it and it'll be grand, prod" that Donnelly slipped into the thread.

    I get irked when some one goes out of their way to say North of Ireland especially when they are addressing unionists but I can deal with it (I probably just think less of them), what I can't accept is when some one zips down their trousers, dangles their NorthofIreland in front of me and expects me to put it in my mouth and just accept it.

    Like Donnelly or Tim Pat Coogan.

    I think most people missed that point and now think "look at AG getting his knickers in a twist".

    Having said that, maybe I should stop speaking in metaphors....

    Cheers man


  5. No worries AG,

    It's your site and you have allowed me to post here so tbh, I just prefer to err on the side of caution on matters when I comment on someone's site that I like. If it was someone particularly nasty (I'm thinking Vance for instance) I would be the worst kind of human imaginable and try to live up to every kind of nightmare he has ever had!

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